Once upon a... ship... there were two pirates. One was friendly and the other was... lets just say that he was... cranky. Sometimes they got along fine, and sometimes they'd fight like cats and scurvy dogs... or like the crazy cousins that they were.
Rockin' Ron was the Friendly Pirate. He wore his patch above his eye. He didn't have a sword or a knife. He rolled liked a pirate... BUT he rolled real nice. He loved to write songs, and he'd dance a jig of joy when you said AHOY! He was always making corny jokes, like “How much did the pirate pay for his corn? A buccaneer! You know... a dollar for an ear of corn... a buck... an ear!”.
Silver Long Johns was the Cranky Pirate. He had fancy pants made of silver that kept his legs warm. He never cleaned his cabin, swabbed the deck, or did his other chores, not to mention minding his manners and sharing his toys. He thought he was El Cap-i-tan, the boss, the big cheese, big man on campus, and top dog... but Silver Long Johns was just a Buccaneer Bully.
The pirates cousins sailed on the... Friend Ship. On the bow, that's the front of the ship, there was a twinkling star. Both sides of the ship, portside on the left and starboard on the right, were decorated with moons and suns. The waves seemed to pick up the Friend Ship like gentle hands and carry it to its next port. Usually, it was a happy ship with angel wing sails soaking up the sunshine, and catching the western wind. That was until the Friendly Pirate and the Cranky Pirate got in an argument.
CP: Avast there Friendly Pirate! There's a ship off the fortside.
FP: I don't mean to be rude, but that would be the portside, not the fortside, Cranky Pirate.
CP: That's what I said... the fortside. The side of the ship that the fort is on as we leave the harbor, is called the fortside.
FP: Good try Cranky Pirate, but its portside. Portside is the left side of the ship as you are facing forward, towards the bow. I remember that because the word 'port' and the word 'left' both have four letters.
CP: Friendly Pirate are you a dumb land lubber? I'm Captain here and I say fortside.
FP: Hey, that's not nice. You should call me by my name Rockin’ Ron the Friendly Pirate, or Rockin’ Ron, or FP. Calling me a dumb land lubber is an insult.
CP: Of course its an insult. You don't deserve any better, you scabby scalliwag, you seaweed scroungin' scallop, you salt water son of a moldy misfit mermaid.
FP: Now you're insulting my mom. And by the way, she wasn't moldy.
CP: I'm not done. Your dad hisself was a bilge rat with a bad reputation, a pencil neck geek with a lousy physique, and a malcontent reprobate rabble rouser.
FP: Now you're insulting my dad... I think? What's a bilge rat?
CP: The bilge is where all the nasty water collects in the bottom of ship, and a rat is a rodent. Bilge Rats are rats that are found in the bilge.
FP: You did insult my dad... and my mom too!
CP: Alright, I'll leave them out of this. Lets talk about you, Mr. raider without a rudder, Mr. all-around nice guy, Mr. Friendly Pirate. You're not even a real pirate, you have two eyes.
FP: I may wear a patch above my two eyes, and I may NOT have a sword or a knife, but I AM a Pirate and a friendly one. But that reminds me of a song I recently wrote called The Word Pirate...
the WORD pirate has one I
me mates I do not lie
take off your patch to see
its P-I-R-A-T-E
pirate - one who steals from others on the water
the word lubber has two B’s
“to be, or not to be”
said Shakespear from afar
its L-U-B-B-E-R
lubber - one who loves the land more than the sea
the word rudder has two D’s
don’t deny me please
it also has two R’s
its R-U-D-D-E-R
rudder - determines direction of a ship
me mates I do not lie
take off your patch to see
its P-I-R-A-T-E
pirate - one who steals from others on the water
the word lubber has two B’s
“to be, or not to be”
said Shakespear from afar
its L-U-B-B-E-R
lubber - one who loves the land more than the sea
the word rudder has two D’s
don’t deny me please
it also has two R’s
its R-U-D-D-E-R
rudder - determines direction of a ship
you have to know your letters, lads and lasses
so you can pass through all of life’s classes
that’s what this is all about
but do I have to spell ‘it out’?
I-T, O-U-T
banana has three A’s
me mateys are amazed
you peel and chew and then you say,
B-A-N-A-N-A
CP: Can’t you do anything without breaking into a song? You're bananas, you're coconuts, you're just plain NUTS!!
FP: I may be crazy, but it keeps me from going insane. Hey, how come you keep insulting me? That's what bullies do.
CP: Would you get off your high horse, or your seahorse, or whatever you rode in on?
FP: Not until you give me an apology.
CP: OK Jose, I'm sorry.
FP: Mean it?
CP: Yes... I mean it. I apologize to your parents too.
FP: Gracias and thank you Senor Cranky Pirate. My dad Renaldo and my mother Penelope would approve of your apology. What happened to that ship you saw off the portside?
CP: (under his breath) Never mind you nitwit navigator, that ship has left the harbor.
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