Don't be a Buccaneer Bully, part 1

Once upon a... ship... there were two pirates. One was friendly and the other was... lets just say that he was... cranky. Sometimes they got along fine, and sometimes they'd fight like cats and scurvy dogs... or like the crazy cousins that they were.

Rockin' Ron was the Friendly Pirate. He wore his patch above his eye. He didn't have a sword or a knife. He rolled liked a pirate... BUT he rolled real nice. He loved to write songs, and he'd dance a jig of joy when you said AHOY! He was always making corny jokes, like “How much did the pirate pay for his corn? A buccaneer! You know... a dollar for an ear of corn... a buck... an ear!”.

Silver Long Johns was the Cranky Pirate. He had fancy pants made of silver that kept his legs warm. He never cleaned his cabin, swabbed the deck, or did his other chores, not to mention minding his manners and sharing his toys. He thought he was El Cap-i-tan, the boss, the big cheese, big man on campus, and top dog... but Silver Long Johns was just a Buccaneer Bully.

The pirates cousins sailed on the... Friend Ship. On the bow, that's the front of the ship, there was a twinkling star. Both sides of the ship, portside on the left and starboard on the right, were decorated with moons and suns. The waves seemed to pick up the Friend Ship like gentle hands and carry it to its next port. Usually, it was a happy ship with angel wing sails soaking up the sunshine, and catching the western wind. That was until the Friendly Pirate and the Cranky Pirate got in an argument.

CP: Avast there Friendly Pirate! There's a ship off the fortside.

FP: I don't mean to be rude, but that would be the portside, not the fortside, Cranky Pirate.

CP: That's what I said... the fortside. The side of the ship that the fort is on as we leave the harbor, is called the fortside.

FP: Good try Cranky Pirate, but its portside. Portside is the left side of the ship as you are facing forward, towards the bow. I remember that because the word 'port' and the word 'left' both have four letters.

CP: Friendly Pirate are you a dumb land lubber? I'm Captain here and I say fortside.

FP: Hey, that's not nice. You should call me by my name Rockin’ Ron the Friendly Pirate, or Rockin’ Ron, or FP. Calling me a dumb land lubber is an insult.

CP: Of course its an insult. You don't deserve any better, you scabby scalliwag, you seaweed scroungin' scallop, you salt water son of a moldy misfit mermaid.

FP: Now you're insulting my mom. And by the way, she wasn't moldy.

CP: I'm not done. Your dad hisself was a bilge rat with a bad reputation, a pencil neck geek with a lousy physique, and a malcontent reprobate rabble rouser.

FP: Now you're insulting my dad... I think? What's a bilge rat?

CP: The bilge is where all the nasty water collects in the bottom of ship, and a rat is a rodent. Bilge Rats are rats that are found in the bilge.

FP: You did insult my dad... and my mom too!

CP: Alright, I'll leave them out of this. Lets talk about you, Mr. raider without a rudder, Mr. all-around nice guy, Mr. Friendly Pirate. You're not even a real pirate, you have two eyes.

FP: I may wear a patch above my two eyes, and I may NOT have a sword or a knife, but I AM a Pirate and a friendly one.  But that reminds me of a song I recently wrote called The Word Pirate...

the WORD pirate has one I
me mates I do not lie
take off your patch to see
its P-I-R-A-T-E
pirate - one who steals from others on the water

the word lubber has two B’s
“to be, or not to be”
said Shakespear from afar
its L-U-B-B-E-R
lubber - one who loves the land more than the sea

the word rudder has two D’s
don’t deny me please
it also has two R’s
its R-U-D-D-E-R
rudder - determines direction of a ship

you have to know your letters, lads and lasses

so you can pass through all of life’s classes

that’s what this is all about

but do I have to spell ‘it out’?

I-T, O-U-T

banana has three A’s
me mateys are amazed
you peel and chew and then you say,
B-A-N-A-N-A

CP: Can’t you do anything without breaking into a song? You're bananas, you're coconuts, you're just plain NUTS!!

FP: I may be crazy, but it keeps me from going insane. Hey, how come you keep insulting me? That's what bullies do.

CP: Would you get off your high horse, or your seahorse, or whatever you rode in on?

FP: Not until you give me an apology.

CP: OK Jose, I'm sorry.

FP: Mean it?

CP: Yes... I mean it. I apologize to your parents too.

FP: Gracias and thank you Senor Cranky Pirate. My dad Renaldo and my mother Penelope would approve of your apology. What happened to that ship you saw off the portside?

CP: (under his breath) Never mind you nitwit navigator, that ship has left the harbor.

FP: What did you say?

CP: Never mind you... nimble navigator, I don't harbor... any ill will. In fact, how can I be a well-behaved pirate?

FP: Try not to make yourself feel better by making others feel bad. You should check out the Seven C's.

CP: Is that on your DVD "LIGHTS...CAMERA...RRR!" and your CD "Give Me an RRR!"?

FP: Why yes, and thank you for the shameless plug.

CP: I'm trying to be nice. I want to stop being a Buccaneer Bully.

FP: That's the best news since the beginning of this blog. Till next time, avast ye pirates.

Pearl the Purple Pirate Princes

Pearl the Purple Pirate Princess (see my drawing of her above) is the fictional sister of Rockin' Ron the Friendly Pirate. Where RRtFP is friendly and jolly, PtPPP is "happy as can be".  Early in me pirate career, I discovered that girls like the world of pirates as much as boys. I wrote the song as a waltz to capture a royal yet playful feeling. It is one of the best loved of my songs. You will note that there are many boys who love this song as well. Take a moment to marvel at this PEARL of song.

Her name is an homage to my Aunt Pearl who lived in the town of Portage, Wisconsin. To the best of my knowledge, Portage is where Native Americans and French Fur Traders crossed the river carrying canoes above their heads. I honor my grandfather in the verse about listening to a seashell and hearing the ocean, because he had me do just that. So, I unwittingly included nautical allusions.

Pearl is mainly inspired by my friend Harley Johnson whose favorite color is purple (Oprah Winfrey likes The Color Purple too). There's an inside joke in the lyrics - "purple hue" as in "Purple Hugh", refers to her son Hugh B. Johnson III. You can see Harley, Hugh B, and husband Hugh in the video FP Rap (Pirates on Board Go RRR!).

At this juncture, I must give a shout out to Wendy Maquera - the singing voice of Pearl. Her dulcet tones can also be found ringing out on "Welcome Aboard" and "Friend Ship". All these songs RRR on me CD "Give Me an RRR!" 

I know alliteration is one of the easiest and over-used writing devices, but it is also very effective. For an extra example of extreme alliteration I ask people to say 'Pearl the Purple Pirate Princess plays with rubber baby buggy bumpers in a posh Parisian Parsnip Palace'. Then I move to many fewer syllables and have them say 'Irish wristwatch' or 'unique New York'. What those last two tongue twisters have to do with the cost of a Spanish Galleon, I know naught.

The last line of Pearl's song is "won't you sail the seas with me?". I ask you now "will you sail the Social Media Seas with me?" You must have, if yer reading this message in a bloggle. Set sail for me facebook page where I'll be having a contest through Raffle Copter for you to win one of 5 DVDs, or a grand prize package of a DVD, CD, a bag of Buccaneer Brew Coffee, and a tin of Pirate Boo-Tea. 

Good Luck! Fair Winds! Sea U soon!




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